hm

sigh, things get shitty whenever i try to find the guts to start a project.

im not good enough, im not smart enough, im not creative enough.. etc.

I try to find strenght because deep inside i know i can do it, I have done it before, I will do it again..
but i block myself from trying again and again, Im neither hot or cold, im so tired.
Tired of being this. I wish i was different, not someone else, just more myself.
And my fucking mom should fucking put 5 euros in my bank account so i can buy fucking cigarettes!
Fu mom!

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diary ftw

so been a while i posted,

Got nothing special to say tho.. well, thats what i think.
Not sure what you think what i think about this whole thinking situation but hey,

At least i try to think straight for a change, so here my thoughts for today.
I woke up, really cranky. like GOD i wish i were DEAD. but when i looked in the mirror i thought hey i look kinda hot and it would be a shame if that beautifull reflection got rotten bones and a smelly corpse so I decided to postpone my suicide for some time.

I hear some haters go “awww” well haha FUCK YOU! *points finger at haters* damn cool keeds thinking their the shit well you arent, fuckers, Ur just homo in denial. Get 45 years old and realise “god damnit, My wife sucks, i need a dick in my mouth im tired of smelly pussy”. well, if u have a wife then, you could be like me and just enjoy a pityfuck now and then, nthn wrong with that, just good ol’ sex with a tight pussy. srs.

thats As for the people who love me, I love you to, really do, i got so much, SO MUCH love to give, just donno how, cause thats my fucking problem here, as soon as I open my door, people get in and rape my fridge, and im totaly cool with that, but when they get to the pickle jar wich has this very very hard lid to open, they ask me to open it, cause im strong like dat. but I wont even try, not because i dont wanna, but because Im scared to show my muscles! their not so big, strong tho, like if u wanna push me over i push over back like 40km’s away. and thats not a good thing. so imma have to change my pickle-jar-opening-skeels.

…anyway, enough about me, though this whole thing is about me, no? or about participating in a bigger collective brew of people stacked together sharing their emotions for the better good. I wanna be a person like that.. srs. Im very open minded to do so, I need to stop saying srs so much, but srs is srsly such a nice word to add the extra topping on pizza, hmmmm god im fucking hungry.
Imma go make some fucking delicious pancakes. I got milk, i got bacon, i got cheese and i got ahorn syrop, this beautifull weather outside couldnt be better combined with a good meal like that. Ifuck I dont got milk.. SHIT. there goes my plan, ill sit on my ass, watching my screen.. checking google images. type random words like *lonely fuck* and get alot of unwanted porn images but hey, i get horny so whatever works. HMmmmmmm I am so fucking bored, if there was a nuclear explosion outside happening i would just be like “Oh…cool” and go back to google images untill my skin vaporises. at least my death would be in horny mood, because a depressedone is just wayyy to cliche, and im unique ok? im soo special. because I has powers to change my pants, in matter of fact, Ill go change my pants right now to jogging pants, god they are heavenly. As for transexuals out their. Ur extremely hot, but i would never ever kiss any of you. Its not u, itsme. Because I hate kissing males, though im perfectly good at it. srs. SRS

ok thats all folks, remember: love me, hug me, adore me, huggle me, etc etc.

Im so fucking full of myself. god my own sarcasm brings up the emo up again, the one little selfasteem. Here i go. Rant.Time.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTSSSSSSS are smelly after you ate beans.

Thats the emoishéd thing i can come up with today, not sure why, maybe the sun is takin ovah mah braiinnn

GOd im weird. ill never change, never will, always will type things like this.

For the internet. Its amazing. the internet is an amazing thing, Maybe the internet is what will create artificial intelligence some day.
Mimicing only a human being since it cant learn frm anything else. it only would understand humans since humans are the source, though the internet is the source because it brings all those sources back to 1 basic. I wonder what the answer would be. Yahoo answers still answered by humans, but not for long, or its already happening. dumdumdum. or not, or im just crazy
or im just trying to hard, wait whas this still my emo rant or just random philosophics?
Ill go do something productive for a change, like cleaning my brand new shoes, god their so awesome.
Love u,
bai

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Ja

It doesnt matter where I am, everywhere I go is hunting me.
When I sleep its watching me, When I smoke, i see its face in the thin streams of my exhaled breath.
When I walk, its behind me stroking my spine giving me the chills.
When I speak its disguised in my voice, talking louder then I do.
It controls me, but its not who I am.
I hate it, I love it, Im addicted to it.
I call it darkness.
I love the way it makes me feel.
I hate the way it makes me feel.
It makes me want to die.
It makes me see why I live.
It makes me see the beauty of life
It makes me see the hatred of life.
the light is just a reflection of the dark.
The dark is a mirror in between.
I float on both sides.
the gray is where I want to be,
Like the rest of us.

Make me numb
Make me useless
Make me lifeless
Make me happy

Make me special
Make me different
Make me unique
Make me sad

I love the way it hates me.
I hate the way it loves me.
Its my darkness.
My friend, my enemy
my family, my life
My own darkness

Funny stuff is when ill read this back like in 2 years ill think, “Wtf is this shit. Was i really that miserable?!”
or im dead because I married my darkness.
or im married now.. I need to divorce.
Or not, i need to stop smoking so much cigarettes.
*cough COUGH cough COOUGH*
drugs is bad mkay.
Well its good, but dont let it go up yo butt!
because if u do, darkness will come!
love me for my moralistic meaningful super well written shit I tend to sarcasm after I wrote! 8D!
Thankyou imaginary friends!
THANKYOU!
bai

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Ghosts

Wherever I go, I am a ghost.
I wasn’t always a ghost,
I miss the good times, when I was still alive.
how I laughed and cried
But then I died
I died on the right moment though.
It felt like “my time is up”
But im still here! part of me anyway
A hatefull part of me.
Ive always tried to neglect this part of .me I am now
And ironicly I am now the part I hated the most
But I can change, im an openminded ghost
though I dont have much brain to think or talk with
since it died in my grave
I need a body, someone?

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So

“your just a squeeking Tom

no im not

yes u are

shut up clone! noone cares about ur feelings”

Whats a psychotherapist? I seem to get that from the grammar checker when i type each other
anyway I seem to get a lot of emails of people asking me why i dont blog so much and Im really sorry
I am D: (<— sad face) but I love each and everyone of you! peace out!

so im not going anywhere… I just need to figure things out like. how do I controll emotion?
Im actually a supersensitive girl, OOPS. god. this should turn into a freakin youtube movie already…

its defence mechanism. Because Im just afraid people wouldnt like me just the way I am.
Frankly I dont even know if i like me just the way am. and thats just the way I am!
See that? wtf…. *keeps staring*

but anyway, I probaly look very boring nd all so yall have fun now, peace

ok im not going anywhere…
Is not like im lonely.. its just the way I write.. Its wierd ino O_O;

or just boring… idk. yep. ino

uno?

Ino

UNO?

ok im not turning this into a 10 minute wall of spam ( I can do that)
So ill keep it clean.

I love you with all my heart. I want to have your babbies.
nah that went to far.
meng I can really keep myself busy, (and you interested readers out there! *blows kiss*)

Ok so im being really confusional here.

but i needed this off my chest.

tankyou

bai

IM NOT GOING ANYW*gets shot*

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tuesday feb 12

hi, today I made a wordpress account in hope i find people,who think alike me. I am sure there is a small little group who will think im amazing and smart, goodlooking, cute, and always honest! I mean..fuck sarcasm rite? who invented that sht anyway!

Im never, ever sarcastic. I think sarcasm is bad. I mean, stay real rite? stay REAL! and lets type things double so it gives that extra little impact when you read. when you read. when you… ok.. point is clear I guess. (what point are u talking bout u crazy person)
ok so theres no point. Like I have a point… like U have a point. im sure u have one,
hellooo my question of the day isss:
Whats your point?

thanks, bai

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Hello!!! WORLD!! HELLOO..hello…hellooo….

So Ive just reread the article I posted as my first blog. personally i thought it could do better.
the post was about my philosophy on life.

We are all energy, energy exchanging energy with eachother
Life is about creating, and death is just a transition.
I do believe in reincarnation, sorta
but every time you go in another body your soul gets layers of learning paths
But I like future stuff more,

I believe in the future we will  be a large chip floating in outer space searching for life forms,
Physicly communicating and trading in clones of creatures we sampled. we will be the ones saying “I look like this, so its easier to understand me”. Right now we just need to understand a few stages in life, and sometimes i wish i lived in the future.

but I dont. Im just not so attached to my body
-disconnected since ’03

Well i reconnected a couple of times. and all experiences were great.
(most of the time a little drunk tho)
but in a good way.🙂
Well im going to do something that involves sleeping

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